


Metastasis

by kira892



Series: Asylumstuck [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Rule 63, asylumstuck, femkarkat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2013-04-26
Packaged: 2017-12-03 22:58:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kira892/pseuds/kira892
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was a regular thing, like clockwork they drop down one by one with every full circle, when the hands strike twelve, every pulse of the small, red arm is another life lost. Death used to come a knocking every few months or so it felt and as naturally as the passage of time, they all just let it happen, burning the lost ones on the cemetery grounds and setting their ashes free with the wind before going back to their lives and waiting for the next time the shadow of death falls over them again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> aaaand here we are again. I have no idea how long this thing is going to be but I'm estimating i have 2 or 3 more chapters to fit the rest of the story into. To whomever is waiting for more asylumstuck, sorry it took me so long guys ((hope this would make up for how shitty the last one was))

 

A little ways behind the old asylum, there's a cemetery.

Wedged between the ruins of the old chapel and the decaying skeleton of a former greenhouse, it was nestled forcibly on a balding patch of land pockmarked by the jagged, crumbling remnants of crosses and angels and grave stones like an ugly blemish. It always seemed unpleasantly out of place even when it was still fully intact and that must have been mostly due to the fact that the small plot of land designated for the purpose was never meant to house more than a handful of graves.

The bastards who used to run the place obviously just didn’t give a shit after the 40th body or so. After the cemetery got too full they probably just started  burying the bodies in whatever bit of land around the asylum they could find, or they dissolved them or cut them up into tiny bits of…feed. All options are highly viable since a) space issues and glaring lack of morality on part of the institute aside, the bodies have been most likely (absolutely) desecrated beyond belief anyway and the appalling disposal hardly mattered anymore and b) with all the shit they’ve done to their patients through the years, it’d be almost naïve to doubt that there’d been one or two (or ten or twenty )living patients who benefitted from the last body-disposal option.

The cemetery ceased having any function other than being suspiciously over-crowded and ugly long before the asylum burned down but it was one of the only few places in the asylum other than the underground water-filled tunnels, the kitchens and most of the rec rooms that regained its use after.

After the fire, there were actually a sizeable amount of survivors that went on to live within the ruins. Or at least there were compared to the few that are still there now. Plenty died within the first five years or so, either from having succumbed to complete insanity, or expiring from “natural causes”. It was unfortunate that those in the latter category survived the fire only to die right after because they were already on the list of to be “dissolved or turned into feed?” anyway.  No one mourned much at that time. It’d be an understatement to say that they were all used to death. That isn’t to say that they just kicked the bodies aside without sparing them a single thought though. There’d been a collective air of distinctly calamitous sympathy for those who were lost but mostly all the survivors regarded the deaths with a lost sense of confusion, all of them still raw from the shock of their pseudo freedom.

The next batches of deaths were treated much the same way until enough time passed for reality to truly set in. They’d all undergone varied types of torture for months, years, perhaps even decades to some, they’d escaped their tormentors but said tormentors have broken them enough for them to realize that there was less waiting for them out there in the real world than there was within the hollow shell of the former hell they knew. 

With virtually nothing left but each other, bonds grew were they weren’t before and where they already existed, they strengthened til they were almost unbreakable.

And thus, the old cemetery was put to use again because despite the fact that they were glaringly not normal, they were all far from inhuman and they were just as powerless against death as anyone else on the planet and they all re-learned what it was like to fear it and be hurt by it.

It was a regular thing, like clockwork they drop down one by one with every full circle, when the hands strike twelve, every pulse of the small, red arm is another life lost. Death used to come a knocking every few months or so it felt and as naturally as the passage of time, they all just let it happen, burning the lost ones on the cemetery grounds and setting their ashes free with the wind before going back to their lives and waiting for the next time the shadow of death falls over them again.

It hadn't come in a while though, so when it eventually struck, it hit them all a bit harder than usual.

Rose is the one to go this time.

Karkat didn't really know that much about her, only that she'd been a quiet, intimidating figure that used to frequent dark corners of the asylum but most particularly the library before the whitecoats did their work with her and she couldn't even bare to step out of her room unless it was the dead of night and every light in the building was off. Apparently she was admitted because of extreme photosensitivity, migraines and claims of getting visions.

Who the hell even knows if the last part was true but considering in the time that she lived she had inhuman charcoal gray skin that seemed to cast shadows wherever she went and the whites of her eyes were luminescent (and the several incidents where things around her would somehow just transfer locations without being touched) it could very well be possible. 

On the weeks that lead up to her death, her skin seemed to get less and less gray and she spent more time not being seen than ever before, or at least she did according to Kanaya. Most of them with the exception of Dave and Kanaya tended to avoid her, not that they needed to have been with her 24/7 to know that she was going soon. They're more or less too used to it by now, like birds to a storm, they just know when it was coming.

Karkat had been more...harassed by her death than she’d been probably since Equius died and it had practically nothing to do with her personal connections to Rose and everything to do with Kanaya’s personal connection to Rose.

Given Rose’s track record of less social interaction out of all of them ever, it would be a bit difficult to prove but seeing as how it’s a step down from impossible to keep secrets between the few of them left, Karkat, as well as everyone knew highly suspected that she and Sollux weren’t the only ones a little too close with each other than strictly necessary. Not that that mattered, the look on Kanaya’s face the morning of Rose’s “funeral” would’ve been enough of an answer to anyone who wondered. She’d told everyone that Rose requested to be burned during the day just before she died. “She wanted her body to see the sun one last time before she went” Kanaya had said to Karkat specifically, eyes averted and with just the slightest quivering of her lower lip. Karkat hadn’t said anything back, just squeezed the other girl’s fingers gently before going off to tell everyone that they were all going to say goodbye to Rose during sunrise the next morning, the second the sun was high enough in the sky.

She stood right next to Kanaya on the morning of, glancing worriedly at her every so often. The vampire girl held it together pretty well though, expression carefully solemn and only as sombre as every other face crowded around the pyre they’ve constructed atop an ancient concrete tomb with some weeds and old, dead vines and plants. The biggest angel statue in the cemetery stood just a foot or two above the pyre and it looked down upon Rose’s still, gray body with a serene, moss covered concrete smile as they stared at her for the last time in silence, letting their goodbyes float out into the chilly air with their hushed breaths.

After several, long moments, Dave stepped forward to lay a hand gently against Rose’s still, ashen one. He pried it away from where it was folded over the other one primly under her chest and Karkat watched in curiosity as he produced a pair of old but well kept knitting needles and slipped them both within her fingers, folding her fist around them securely before setting her hand back the way it was.

“You owe me an ironically hideous sweater dog, you better have it ready for me when I cross over to the other side. Pretty sure they have yarn there.” He says, bland poker face perfectly stamped on. Just for a second though, a ghost of what could possibly be fondness flits over his face as he raised one hand to salute her and blended back into the circle. Karkat didn’t think anyone missed the way he half hid behind John’s shoulder, making sure that his suspiciously shiny blood red eyes were obscured from anyone else’s view.

Jade and Feferi stepped up next, Feferi quietly layed some flowers Aradia had restored from some dried up pots in the green house before murmuring softly to the dead girl waiting to be burned and retreating to the scummy fountain just a couple of feet away where Eridan was waiting, the water was a dark, moldy green and it certainly wouldn’t be comfortable for them but they endured it just so they could be there. Jade made a valiant attempt at a goodbye message but she starts crying about a quarter of the way through and her already slow, stunted speech stopped altogether as her ears flattened against her head and she ran over to Dave who wrapped an arm around her as the feral girl wept against his shoulder. When her sobs started to die down a little, Kanaya stepped forward and Karkat held her breath, watching silently and intently as she walked closer and just…stood there, staring down at Rose. She didn’t utter a single word but somehow, Karkat still felt an inkling of guilt, like she was watching something intimate that no one else was supposed to see.

Everything was so still and so quiet that it felt like everyone stopped breathing while Kanaya stood there and watched Rose as if she was patiently waiting for her to open her eyes.

Of course she didn’t and though her back was turned to her Karkat still frowned, feeling the pain radiating from Kanaya as she sunk to her knees slowly and leaned over to press a short, lingering kiss to the corner of Rose’s mouth. The silent stillness sharpened and grew until it felt like a short eternity had slipped through the cracks of time and engulfed them all but an indefinite while later, Kanaya stood back up and retreated back to Karkat’s side, the spell broke and they all realized that there was still a dead girl who’d earned the only escape from this place and she was still waiting for them to set her free.

Karkat took a deep breath and took one step sideways, reaching over to nudge Terezi’s cane with her foot. The blind girl responded to the cue by swinging her cane up off the ground and catching the other end with her other hand. She twisted until the cane snapped in half, revealing the crudely constructed

lighter hidden in the middle, the same one that she used to burn down the asylum. She sparked up a flame with a flick of her thumb before touching it to the thick blanket of dried greenery cradling Rose.

“I’m going to miss the grimdark lady.”

Karkat jumped a little in surprise at the soft, tiny voice and the accompanying tiny body that nestled against her side and she looked down, away from Rose and at a solemn-faced Nepeta. She scoffed out a short laugh, resting one hand on the petite, feral girl’s hair and turning her gaze back to the flames licking their way up and down Rose’s cold limbs.

“Grimdark hmm? Big word, where’d you learn that?”

“I heard Pawllux call her it and I thought it suited her.”

Nepeta said in the same slow, measured speech that Jade had. Her bald, skinny tail came up to curl and uncurl with absentminded affection against Karkat as she wrapped her tiny arms around however much of her waist she can encase with her bony, doll-like limbs. Karkat glanced over her shoulder briefly at god’s two in one walking mini-collection of freakishness who was standing just a little ways behind her. He quirked a questioning eyebrow in curiosity at her. She ignored it, turning her attention back to Rose’s quickly diminishing form.

“You shouldn’t listen to him, he’s a dumbass.”

Nepeta giggled softly at that before falling silent, her slitted irises locked on Rose, or whatever quickly lessening bits of her were left. She stayed quiet as Rose burned more and more and when the smoke from the pyre got too thick for her modified senses, she whimpered and turned her head to the side, intending to hide her face against Karkat’s waist. Her feline eyes fell on Kanaya and she frowned, glancing up at Karkat briefly before looking over her shoulder at Sollux’s tall, mismatched figure behind her.

 “At least you still have him,” she murmured.

“Hmm?” Karkat asked, glancing down at her questioningly.

“Pawllu- I mean Sollux. At least you still have him. She’s not so lucky”

Karkat didn’t quite know what to say to that so she simply pursed her lips and let the clipped, sharp crackling sounds of burning twigs and weeds answer Nepeta’s statement.

Eventually, there was nothing left of Rose for the flames to hold on to and when there were only dimly glowing embers glaring out from a pile of blackened ash where the dark girl once was, they all started heading back inside one by one. Nepeta unlocked her arms from around Karkat to go too but stopped short when the other girl stayed where she was, dark eyes fixed, unmoving on Kanaya’s slender, still form. Nepeta waited, patiently, sucking her bottom lip under her surgically clefted upper one, feline gaze darting back and forth slowly between Karkat and Kanaya.

Several long moments passed before Karkat opened her mouth to speak but when she did, no words come out. She hesitated before trying again but again, she didn’t succeed, this time it was because Sollux, who also hadn’t left yet suddenly stepped next to her and grabbed her elbow. Nepeta watched as Karkat looked up at him. Her eyes were concerned, curious and just a little bit lost. Sollux simply stared back without even the simplest twitch in his features to clue Nepeta in on what he was thinking.

Karkat seemed to read him just fine though because a look of understanding came over her face as if they’d just had a silent conversation and she took a step back. Nepeta perked up a little when Karkat turned around and with Sollux by her side, began making her way back inside. The feral girl latched onto one of her straitjacket sleeves as it dragged on the ground with Karkat as she passed and without looking, Karkat booped her gently on the head with her knuckles.

A few weeks later, Kanaya fell ill.

Well, perhaps ill was an understatement.

It certainly wouldn’t have been sufficient to describe the way her skin abruptly faded from smooth and pale to the pitifully sickly, sallow thing wrapped around limbs that were suddenly nearly twice as thin. Nor would it have been enough to portray the way her eyes grew weary and sunken above the suddenly too sharp arches of her cheeks. She didn’t suffer through fevers or any symptom that would point to a possible disease that they could attempt to cure and she fed regularly as she always had but somehow, still she just got bad and then worse like the life suddenly just up and decided to drain out of her.

It was slightly odd but nobody could say they were surprised. When one person went, others usually followed them to the pyre until death was satisfied with the new small block it’d taken.

But that was no reason for Karkat to not be genuinely upset and flip her Karkat-ly shit over it.

 “Honestly just tell me who fucked something up with the air or the food or the water or something so I can rip their bowels out and shove them up their nose. Clearly one of the incompetent fuckers I have to patrol lest they set themselves on fire or something equally retarded had to have fucked up one of the three.” Karkat admonished, running an old comb through Kanaya’s short, dark hair where she could reach. She was sitting by the blood-drinker’s bedside where the seriously ill girl had been more or less confined to for the better part of a week. She’s been so weak all she could do was breathe, sleep and eat. Karkat dropped by constantly to make sure she was still doing the first and the last and to groom her hair on occasion just to have one more excuse to be there.

“No one did you silly, fussy thing. You are starting to sound like me,” Kanaya murmured softly, voice hoarse with sleep and the echoes of a bone-deep exhaustion. She chuckled, reaching up to grasp the comb when Karkat ran it one last time through the stubborn curl of her bangs and handed it back to her. Kanaya’s frail looking fingers wrapped around the comb almost shyly, as if it was a challenge to do it before letting her hand and the comb drop limply on her chest which then swelled with air as she inhaled a deep, deep breath. She let it out slowly, as if the chain of actions she’d just done exhausted her. Her eyes slid shut momentarily and when she opened them, they fell on Karkat’s face worriedly gazing at her, lips trapped in a deep, contemplative frown.

Kanaya attempted a small smile. “It’s just my time to go dear.”

Karkat’s brows furrowed further. “Like fuck it is, you were perfectly fine before this and then one day we all wake up and you’re suddenly the poster child of plague and famine. Which reminds me,” she said, reaching up to unclasp the straps holding her straitjacket together. She opened it partway, just enough to be able to slip an arm out from one of the sealed sleeves. Once that was accomplished, she held her arm out to Kanaya, heedless of the blatant exposure of her chest. “Eat, you haven’t had a single sip since last night.”

“To your knowledge.” Kanaya mumbled, smiling a little.

“Do you hear that? That is the sound of me not giving a fuck even if you weren’t joking and someone else here had enough balls to give you a pint of blood. Now sink your stupid fangs into my chunky hand-cankle and eat before I shove said hand-cankle into your mouth.” Karkat threatened, arching an eyebrow.

Kanaya sighed, eyes rolling heavenward before obediently putting her lips to Karkat’s wrist and carefully piercing the flesh with her sharp canines. Karkat’s mouth twitched ever so slightly in a faint ghost of a grimace but was otherwise silent as Kanaya drew blood from her wrist. She sipped at it for a minute or two before pulling her mouth away, holding Karkat’s wrist with one hand and wiping some stray blood from her lips with the other. 

“Apologies, it seems I am too ill to ingest anything.” she said and seeing the look on Karkat’s face, hastily added. “For now…though to be honest, there’s not much point. It won’t be long.”

She didn’t even have to continue, Karkat’s expression soured even more. “I still think shits not right.”

Kanaya looked to her while absently stroking the puncture marks her teeth left behind on Karkat’s wrist with her thumb, encouraging the wounds to heal faster. “Rose fell ill out of the blue too.”

“No, Rose has been ill her entire fucking life, turning gray and glowy slowed her down for a bit but she’s been on the escalator to hades for waaay before she bit the bullet here. You on the other hand-”

“Does it really matter?” Kanaya interrupted, expression sombre.

Karkat’s lips abruptly drew together and compressed themselves into a very thin line, brown eyes pained. She didn’t speak and Kanaya’s eyes softened with a protective sort of concern. The comb was still wrapped securely within her fingers and she reached out to make a valiant attempt at grooming the wild snarls of hair coiled all over themselves on Karkat’s head.

“I’m so sorry Karkat, really I am.”

The comb gets caught in one of the many many tangles of raven hair draped over Karkat’s forehead and Kanaya tuts, taking the comb out and attempting to soothe the mess with her fingers. Her expression reminded Karkat of a disproving mother and the mental image somehow made a deep, slow ache flare inside her chest.

“You have to learn to start taking care of your hair yourself soon. And don’t even think about starting up your usual nonsense with me right now. You have such a lovely face, it’s a shame to have it covered up by your bothersome hair.” Kanaya murmured, giving up on untangling the bit of hair hanging over Karkat’s cheek and settling for simply smoothing it out to the side and tucking it behind her ear. She smiled, stroking Karkat’s cheek lightly with her fingertips.

“See? Now that’s much better. So lovely.”

Karkat wrinkled her nose but there was less derision in it than she usually puts up in front of Kanaya.

“See? This is it Kanaya, the crazy is finally killing you.”

Kanaya simply chuckled, reaching over to tuck some hair behind Karkat’s other ear.

“You’re ridiculous you know that? And I know I’ve told you this a trillion times but seeing as how it never seems to get through your unbelievably thick skull, it’s worth repeating: I don’t know why you ever bothered. Even if you weren’t delusional and I was actually somewhat pleasant to look at there’s no one here that’s worth trying to look nice for. I don’t think anyone of us even knows what pretty is anymore much less how to appreciate it.”

Kanaya opened her mouth to say something, spotted something behind Karkat and smiled.

“I dare venture that you’re quite mistaken there.”

Karkat quirked a brow at that and turned to look over her shoulder just in time to see Sollux take what appeared to be his second or third step into the room.

Perhaps due to some sort of decency reflex that would probably bake her noodle later on to figure out how the fuck she still had, Karkat’s brain suddenly remembered that she essentially had one breast peeking out of her still half open straitjacket and automatically commanded her hand to reach over and cover it up. Karkat realized the complete and utter pointlessness of the action when Sollux simply looked at her like she was a braindead pigeon ever so pointlessly trying to fly through a glass window.

She simply glared at the silent ‘Kk what the fuck?’ he was broadcasting with his expression and the minute shake of his head that he directed at her.

“Like there’s something you have that I haven’t already seen upclose and in extremely high definition.”

Karkat then realized that she had so many unnecessary reflexes that really need to keep up with the program and she cursed herself once more when a furious blush rose to her cheeks at Sollux’s comment.

“God, shut the fuck up asshole!”

A poorly concealed chuckle bubbled up from behind her and Karkat’s ears burned as she craned her neck back around to glare at Kanaya.

“Anyway, speaking of high definition, or lack thereof, Dave got the ancient tv and vcr down in the second floor rec room to work. Everyone’s down there now, they’re going to watch some of the movies Aradia dug up a while ago and since they’re all too busy bursting through their asses with excitement, they sent me up here to fetch you guys.”

Karkat arched an eyebrow, turning back around to face Sollux. “and Strider didn’t do this earlier because?”

Sollux rolled his eyes with a passive exasperation that reminded Kanaya so much of Karkat she couldn’t help but smirk as she watched them both intently from her bed.

“Apparently he and John had this dumb bet involving him fixing the thing without using his weird time shit powers. Predictably, John won.”

Karkat's only response to that was a disinterested snort. "Okay, whatever, don't care. You assholes enjoy your psychohouse movie night or whatever the fuck. I'm staying up here."

"Oh come now Karkat, you don't have to. I'll be fine, I'll be falling asleep again in a little while anyway, and I'd stay that way for a few  hours. It would be terribly boring. Go, enjoy yourself, what divine entity even knows how long it's been since any of us have seen a functional television set, much less to see a movie playing in it."

"Who said I want to stay up here to soak up more of your presence than I already have?" Karkat asked testily as she looked over her shoulder at Kanaya once again. Her expression softens none too-subtly when her eyes fall upon the other girl's frail form, her gaze betraying her former words unashamedly. "Some of those idiots havent ever even seen a tv before, do you know how many shits they'll flip over it? It'd be plenty let me tell you and I don't want to be there when it happens.”

And it was true, Nepeta to name just one, is a feral child whose only experience of civillization was this hell hole. Karkat knows she has never left her cell exept to be bought to testing rooms,  pre-fire when all rec-rooms were still fully intact and functional. She'll probably be leaping at the tv and scratching at it, wondering how there are people trapped inside. Which isn't really all that bad, it's just that when Kanaya mentioned being asleep for a few more hours, Karkat couldn't help but hear a tiny voice in her head saying _oh it could go on for **way** longer than just a few hours_ and it made her anxious not to leave Kanaya's side.

“KK just leave her alone, the poor girl wants to sleep, she’ll never be able to do that with your rude, ever-flapping maw spewing idiocy and profanity by the metric ton every 2 minutes.”

“Nobody asked you dickwad, why the fuck are you even still here? Go away.”

Sollux opens his mouth to retort and pauses, just for a second. Something alters his expression ever so slightly when he does but before Karkat could contemplate it, it was already gone and he was back to his default, mildly irritated jerk face.  Sollux shrugs, throwing his hands up as if to say “whatever, fuck you guys I’m gone.” and turns to walk out of the room.

When he was out of sight, Kanaya hums thoughtfully. “You should go. I think someone is getting a bit displeased that you’re spending a bit too much time with me and not enough with him.”

“Ahahaha, no. Besides, even if that’s the case, he can be a clingy shitheel all he wants, I don’t give a fuck.”

Kanaya shifts to lie on her side so she can look at karkat better and she shakes her head with a small, exasperated smile. “Well, I don’t give a fuck if _you_ are being a clingy shitheel either, I wan’t you to go and have some fun, relax, have a pleasant evening. There’s really no point in placing yourself semi-permanently at my bedside waiting for nothing, go on now, to the rec room with you.”

Karkat makes a face a petulant, antisocial 6 year old would make if told to go outside and play. “You have got to be kidding me woman.”

“Only if you are dear.” Kanaya says with an angelic smile, her fangs poking out from her upper lip in a way that should not be endearing but just is for some strange reason.

“Nope, I am not dealing with this, shut up and lie there and not die you”

Kanaya releases a much more amped up exasperated sigh and smacks her palm weakly against her forehead. “Karkat, I swear to god, it’s _alright_ , go and spend some time with Sollux and the others. You can come back up the seconds it’s over. So help me, I will get up off this cot and drag you down there myself.”

Karkat glares at her, as if willing the vampire to not even think about it as she slips her arm back into her strait jacket and does it back up.  “Please, as if you even could.”

Kanaya plants one hand flat against the old, thin mattress beneath her and pushes, staring at Karkat challengingly. Karkat just raises an eyebrow, half in skepticism and half in warning. Kanaya responds by pushing herself up more, until she’s sitting up. When she swings her legs over and her feet touch the floor, Karkat throws her hands up in the air and stands up out of the rusty old stool she was perched on.

“For fuck’s sake! Fine! Get your sick ass the back down on that cot before you hurt yourself, christ.”

Kanaya does so compliantly, smirking a self-satisfied smirk the entire time. “Have a good time Karkat, and for goodness sake, _relax_ , even if just a little.”

Karkat grumbles under her breath, too low for Kanaya to understand what she’s saying and the vampire girl reaches over to grasp her sleeve. Karkat bends down closer to her when Kanaya tugs on it and wrinkles her nose when the other girl finger combs her hair, brushing her cheek once with the backs of her knuckles before cupping her face gently. “You’re so pretty.”

Karkat makes a face and grabs hold of the hand on her cheek, pulling it away gently. “Yeah, okay, I think it’s time for that nap now, you’re being delusional again.”

Kanaya laughs softly and there’s something manifestly gentle and feminine in the sound, motherly, the kind of sound someone would choose to fall asleep to, if they could. Karkat silently files it away in her memory, much to the encouragement of that worried voice in her head that wants to treasure everything about Kanaya now just in case later becomes a void concept to everything that has to do with her.

“I’m not the one who is delusional you silly thing. I mean it, I really do.”

“You sound like that’s the last thing you’ll ever say to me, oh my fucking god take it back right now. You’re gonna regret it big time if your last words turn out to be the most ridiculous lie ever told.”

Kanaya just grins, shaking her head and sliding pinched fingers over her lips as if she was sealing them shut.

“You’re impossible. And stupid. Really, really, exceptionally stupid”

Kanaya just continues to smile with her closed lips until Karkat shakes her head and leaves, muttering to herself the entire time. She pauses at the doorway and turns with one hand on the frame.

“Night Kanaya. You better still fucking be here when I get back.” Karkat says sternly, pointing at Kanaya with her other hand.

Kanaya nods solemnly, raising one finger to make a cross on the left side of her chest, just under her collarbone. Then she kisses her palm and blows Karkat a kiss, waving at her weakly afterward and still stubbornly saying nothing, adamant, apparently on having her last words be what they were just in case that’s what they end up being.

Karkat shakes her head one last time, pushing down the slow, subtle ache building up in her chest at the sight of Kanaya lying there, sick to the bone but smiling and believing that she of all people, was pretty. She turns and stalks down the hall before she starts thinking totally embarassing thoughts, like possibly wanting to cry or some shit.

Kanaya’s smile takes a while to fade and a full minute after Karkat is gone, some of it is still lingering on her face as she closes her eyes and waits for sleep to claim her once again. Not even two seconds after she closed them, they fly open once more due to a forceful tapping noise, coming from the direction of the open door.

She blinks curiously to find Karkat standing there and before she can open her mouth to tell her once again to _just go downstairs_ already, Karkat, face darkened by a deep red blush, raises a hand to her lips and blows her the most painfully embarrassed, grudging kiss ever before turning on her heel and half stomping, half running down the hall.

Kanaya laughs fondly and turns her head a little so that half of it was buried in her pillow. A wide smile remains on her face for a moment before rapidly, almost painfully morphing into a frown.

Karkat cared about her a lot, she did too and now that Karkat’s not around to see it, Kanaya lets the crushing guilt manifest shamelessly on her face. She opens her mouth to murmur something and shuts it, closing her eyes and thinking the words instead.

_I’m sorry Karkat._

 When she opens her eyes, Kanaya absently notes the silliness of the gesture. She wasn’t going yet. She bought her own destruction upon herself but she’d be damned if she left the world without at least giving Karkat a proper goodbye first. She deserved that much.

She turns to lie on her back, if she sleeps now hopefully she’d have enough sleep to stay awake longer when Karkat comes back. The dirty, ancient ceiling stares down at her and Kanaya folds her hands under her chest, staring back up at it, tracing the soft, straight rays of moonlight stretching across the ancient wood with her eyes.  

She’s drifting off within minutes and when Kanaya reaches the state between wakefulness and dreaming, a shadow creeps along the ceiling slowly, tall and dark. It seems to rain down on the entire room and Kanaya could swear the darkness falls on her while she just lies there and watches it through half closed eyes.  

“Rose?” She murmurs, certain that she’s trapped within an old memory, made during times when the dark was the most comforting thing in the world, because all the shadows were under Rose’s command.

The bed dips and it happens so suddenly that Kanaya’s eyes fly open with a gasp.

They blink into focus and when they do, Kanaya finds herself wanting to sink through the mattress, limbs stiffening in apprehension at the dark figure looming over her that definitely isn’t Rose.

“Why are you here?”

A smile splits in the darkness, baring a wide set of plain yet dangerous looking teeth. A few inches above them, bloodshot eyes, stare Kanaya down  and it made the hairs on the vampire girl’s arms stand up on end, that she can so easily see the madness in them.

“Did she send you?”

Silence, and that still, insane, Cheshire grin.

Kanaya focuses so intently on the dark figure’s face that she doesn’t notice the careful movements of its hands. When she hears the rustling and the thick and sees the black cord coming near her neck it was already too late. He attempts to pin her down by the cord at her neck and slowly crush her windpipe that way. Kanaya flails and thrashes desperately, trying to knock him off, scratch his face to get him to let go, anything. She somewhat succeeds in the latter, when the nail on her littlest finger catches him right in the eye and he flinches away, taking the cord with him.

With instinctive fear pumping adrenaline through her veins, weak though she was, Kanaya still manages to knock him away with a few kicks, just enough to be able to roll out of the cot. She smacks against the floor painfully but determinedly pulls herself up and bolts to the door.  Unfortunately she was too weak and he catches her with an arm around her neck and another around her waist.

Without even thinking about it, Kanaya opens her mouth wide and sinks her teeth into the forearm just under her chin, digging her fangs deep, deeper until  she could almost feel the upper set of pointed canines touch the lower set. She got them in so deep that when a pained groan punctutes the hand in her hair and yanks her head forcefully away, its accompanied by the wet, sickening sound of flesh tearing clean off.

There was a loud hiss and Kanaya spits out the blood and bits of skin that was still in her mouth.  She gasps right in the middle of the action, making her almost choke on his blood when the arm around her waist tightens to an inhuman degree.  Kanaya chokes, sputters and gasps for breath, weakly prying at the arm around her. She gets lifted off the ground and she squeezes her eyes shut, one tear squeezing out the corner of her eye.

 _Karkat_ , _I’m so sorry_

 

She screams in her mind just before the arm around her waist _yanks_ her body sideways and everything goes black.

 

Nepeta traced the stitches stretching out from either side of Sollux’s mouth, starting from his left cheek all the way to where the stitches end, right behind his right jaw, giggling the whole time.  Her uncut nails snag along the last couple of them and Sollux winces, craning his neck away from her. “Ow, watch it dammit.”

“Sorryyy.” She says, drawing out the syllables. She squirms a little to pull herself higher up his back and Sollux adjusts his grip on her legs to keep her from falling off.

A few steps ahead of them, Karkat snorts and looks over her shoulder. “Nepeta no, don’t say sorry to the rude freak.”

“Wow, I’m rude really? Me, the person giving the autistic cat girl a piggy back ride just because she wanted one, is rude? As ever, you prove to be a shining example of moral righteousness Kk.”

“Choke on a dick fuckwit.”

“You’re welcome to choke on mine, you know,  again.”

Karkat stops walking to hit Sollux in the gut and Nepeta giggles in glee, clinging to Sollux’s neck tight with both arms as he dodges to the side and fights back with his legs. She watches them in silence, a small fascinated smile on her altered mouth as the three of them make their way up to visit Kanaya.

The halls flood themselves with the sound of Sollux and Karkat bickering. Lots of it involved things that Nepeta didn’t understand at all. Dicks were mentioned a lot though, she knows what _those_ are and so she thinks she doesn’t really want to know. Not that she’d care even if she did.

All throughout the movie Karkat couldn’t seem to keep still, glancing up and at the door every few seconds.  Sollux kept watching her and Nepeta watched them both. The moment the movie was over, Karkat was the first one to leave and Sollux is quick to walk out after her. Nepeta followed them out after some deliberation and found them just standing there in the hall. They looked like they were arguing, like they always do but they weren’t yelling at all like they are now. They were also standing too close for people who are fighting. They almost jumped apart when she came out and loudly asked Karkat where she was going and immediately asked “Can I come??” when she told her the answer.

Nepeta did want to visit Kanaya, because Kanaya was nice and she knew that in addition to being really sick ,she still misses grimdark Rose a lot so Nepeta wanted to visit and cheer her up. But mostly, she just tagged along to watch Sollux and Karkat.

They are still fighting. They also swat and jab at each other a lot but somehow, Nepeta could detect no hostility in the actions or the words.

She liked watching them, not just because they were confusing like this, friendly while being not friendly, but because she liked seeing the way they look at each other. It was just _different_ from how everybody else in the asylum looked at anybody else. It used to remind her a bit of how Equius would look at her, like he couldn’t be more glad of anything than he was that she was there. It was still different from that though. She couldn’t tell how, it just is.  

Maybe it was because she knew it was the reason Sollux followed her out and is still walking with her right now. Because he was worried about her, because he looks at her like that.

“Hey Kanaya wake up, the fruity rumpus asshole factory is here to see you.”

Nepeta blinks, apparently they’ve arrived at where Kanaya was sleeping. She lay there on the single cot in the room, sound asleep. Nepeta frowned, sniffing at the air.

There’s something wrong.

A second later, Karkat and Sollux seem to sense it too, Nepeta could feel their apprehension in the air when Kanaya doesn’t respond at all to Karkat’s voice as she repeatedly calls out her name.

“Kanaya? Wake up, I’m serious.”

With a few steps, Karkat makes it to Kanaya’s side and Nepeta disentangles herself from Sollux, putting one hand on his back and frowning worriedly at Karkat and Kanaya.

“Kanaya??? Kanaya!”

Karkat grabs the supposedly sleeping girl by the shoulder and rolls her over. The second Kanaya is on her back, Karkat gasps. Nepeta and Sollux immediately run over and Nepeta puts a hand over her mouth at the sight of the vampire girl. Her collar was ripped, enough that the upper part of her chest was showing, there was a crooked cross gouged into her skin, right under her collarbone.  A shard of glass was clutched in one hand, the other dangled off the side of the bed, the fingers coated in blood.

On the sheets, where she was curled up before as if she was protecting it, there were words written in blood.

_Sorry cant keep promise_

_Karkat_

Karkat, Kanaya and Aradia have all tried to teach her how to read. Nepeta still had trouble reading a lot of words but she could understand the ones Kanaya had apparently chosen to write before she died.

Died. Dead. Kanaya is dead.

Nepeta looked up at Karkat, who was staring at Kanaya like she couldn’t figure out if she’s real.

“Kk,” Sollux starts, taking a step toward Karkat.

“Get out.”

Karkat says, the words low, and bitten off, almost harsh.

“Karkitty,” Nepeta tries, taking a step forward with one arm extended.

“I said get out. both of you.”

Nepeta looks at Sollux, but he doesn’t look back, eyes still fixed on Karkat. His expression was mostly blank but his eyes are practically screaming, like all the things he wants to say but is choosing not to are knocking from the other side of his eyes, desperate to get out.

He doesn’t move and neither does Nepeta.

“Just go!” Karkat bites out gruffly, her neck tilting down. Her hair falls over most of her face but Nepeta could still see the bitter twist of her mouth, the mark of someone who was on the verge of screaming.

“…please?” Karkat continues softly, a complete contrast to the Karkat she was just a few seconds ago.

Nepeta bites her lip, wanting so much to run to her and hug her but the hand on her shoulder keeps her right where she is.  She looks up at Sollux, who still looked like he was forcing things he wants to say behind the transparent barricade of his eyes, looks back at Karkat and reluctantly allows herself to be led away.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To anyone reading this, I apologize for taking so long to update >.

Kanaya’s funeral is a short event.

Or at least it is for Karkat who only comes out of her three-day self-isolation with Nepeta by her side just before they set the pyre on fire and leaves almost immediately afterward. It’s the first time any of them, including Sollux have seen her ever since Kanaya’s passing and Sollux guessed that if he hadn’t sent Nepeta to go and fetch her, she wouldn’t have even come out to the cemetery to see Kanaya one last time before they burned her body.

When she left, there were more than several pairs of eyes that followed her back inside but no one dared to approach her. Sollux is sure that isn’t because of a lack of sympathy or the desire to help, it’s more because none of them know what to say. Because prior to this, it’s always been Karkat who did all the comforting, she was pretty much the go-to person for grief. She wasn’t always good at it but she imposed her comfort to those who grieved the most until they just broke down and let her in, even if just for a little while. Now, with everyone she’s ever aggressively pried out of the clutches of sorrow standing on the opposite side, none of them know what to do. Because when the strongest person breaks, how do you even begin to piece them back together?

Everyone seems to think that he knows the answer. For the next couple of days Karkat remains isolated, showing up here and there to yell at someone, to eat, and to make sure that everyone is eating. Everyone mean while, remains worried about her. Everyone is more consistent with their behaviour though because where Karkat varies her activities every time she chooses to un-isolate herself for a while, everyone else did one thing and one thing only when they aren’t worrying about her: bugging the hell out of Sollux to see if she’s okay and if not, go to her and make her okay.

And after almost two weeks of it, Sollux is just about ready to throttle the next person who asks him “Hey, where’s Karkat? How is she holding up?”

He doesn’t fucking know okay? At this point, he’s starting to be just as lost as they are.

He hasn’t touched her in about roughly the same amount of time she’s been avoiding everyone and he was seriously running out of options. Because even he can admit that he’s pretty much the only thing in the world now that has a shot at making Karkat feel better and nothing he does is working.

Sex doesn’t work, a failure which knocks down pretty much 89% of his options. She only sought him out about 5 times, relatively early after Kanaya died and every time, right after, she just got back into her clothes and left without saying a word, making him feel like the most he’d accomplished was distract her for a few hours. Spontaneous kisses, hugs and other assorted types of innocent, borderline affectionate contact don’t work either (he’s getting desperate) and when he’s run completely out of obvious options and chooses to go completely out of his element and talk her out of her misery. He fails, predictably, spectacularly.

It was the fifth time she let him fuck the sorrow out of her system temporarily and she didn’t leave right away so Sollux screwed his courage to the sticking place and wrapped an arm around her, pulling himself up flush against her back and keeping his eyes focused on the wall as he asked.

“You ok?”

“Yeah.”

“No you’re not.”

“No shit.”

“You…wanna talk?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

And that was pretty much that. He hasn’t tried anything more since then and he’s seriously out of ideas, other than letting her have space, an idea that is quickly proving to be more of a rapidly thinning excuse as more time passes and Karkat remains detached and distant.

 

“You’re going about it all wrong.”Aradia tells him one night as they sit out in the cemetery, perched on top of a pair of cracked but relatively sturdy looking grave stones.

“Oh yeah? This coming from the girl who also has done zero things to further the advancement of the “lets get KK un-depressed!” movement? I can be wrong but I think that means you’re not exactly qualified to be judging me here.”

Aradia, all too used to him by now, easily ignores his snark and just goes on like he didn’t say anything.

“You’re thrown off because she isn’t acting like herself, so you stopped acting like yourself too.” Aradia muses, pushing her fingers into a huge knot of hair and moving them around almost like she was knitting something out of her hair.

Sollux absently watches the subtle movements of her feet as she kicks them back and forth.

“Well yeah, she’s been upset before but never like this. It’s really starting to freak me out.”

“What exactly are you afraid of? From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you’re afraid of how she’d react if you tried to do anything. What are you worried about? That she’d get angry? I’d imagine it’d be easier on you if she was.” Aradia asks, tilting her head to the side at him curiously.

Sollux thinks about that even as he fires off the first reply he can think of. “I’m not scared, I’m just not…used to this.”

Aradia just looks at him with a knowing glint in her huge russet eyes before pursing her lips thoughtfully. “Well, if you can’t get through to her then there sure as heck any hope for the rest of us. Not that there ever was really. Now that Kanaya’s gone, she’ll only ever listen to you.”

Sollux snorts reaching down to where Aradia’s long, untamed hair was dangling down almost halfway down the stone she’s sitting on and playing with the tips.

“Obviously you don’t know her at all.”

“I think there’s your answer right there.”

Sollux looks up at that, winding Aradia’s hair around his wrist as he furrows his brows at her questioningly.

“ _You_ know her you dummy. She’s still Karkat you know. Now think, really hard, when she’s being so stubbornly sad, what would you do? Completely disregarding how she might feel or say at first?”

Sollux shrugs at that. “I don’t know.” He does but he sure as hell won’t get into a discussion with Aradia about it. Karkat only liked two things when she was sad: sex and post-sex cuddling. Or at least that’s what she liked from him. He’s pretty sure Kanaya had her own, non-sexual ways of soothing the ragged edges of Karkat’s emotional state whenever they decide to be more chaotic than usual. But obviously that was her territory and he can’t take over that.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Aradia asks, whacking him lightly on the arm. “She’s your bestfriend!”

“Yeah, and Kanaya was her _other_ bestfriend and I just don’t know okay? All of this is just totally different.”

Aradia hums thoughtfully, putting a finger to her lips. “What does she do with you when you get really upset?”

Sollux opens his mouth to answer before shutting it again, thinking really hard about it. “Urgh…piss me off so that I can rage it all out and then coddle the shit out of me until I’ve completely and utterly calmed my shit?”

Aradia blinks, eyes rolling heavenward thoughtfully. “You can give that a try. It’s worth a shot.”

Sollux raises an eyebrow. “What? Should I just shove her into the scummy old pool next to the chapel for absolutely no reason other than being a dick so she can pull all her depressed, angry energy away from grieving and put it into tearing me a new one?”

Aradia is quick to respond to that with a shrug. “I don’t see why not. When all else fails, try to steer things back to normalcy right?”

Sollux gives her a look. “I can’t believe you assume its normal for me to go around shoving her into gross, old bodies of water just to piss her off.”

He gets nothing more than a smile and Aradia grabbing a fistful of hair to swat him in the face with it.

 

  
He doesn’t actually plan to shove Karkat into the pool next to the chapel. Maybe. He may not value his life that much, but when he eventually goes, Sollux prefers that the cause of his death not be Karkat tearing him a new asshole, and ripping off all the fragile bits and pieces of his body while she’s at it. However, if worse comes to worse, the pool would be his alternative. He’ll just wing the hell out of it and find some way to make it through the whole ordeal unscathed.

And so that’s how he finds himself the following night, sitting cross-legged on the cracked blue tile framing the pool with his back to the water. He’d waited until he was relatively sure mostly everyone had gone to bed before seeking Jade out and asking her to utilize her ability to sense where everyone is with her ultra-heightened animal senses. She helpfully pointed him to a room with a shut door and he makes a stop down at the old reception desk in the lobby to fetch a pencil and a scrap of paper before heading out to where Karkat was and knocking on the door before slipping a note under it.

He didn’t stick around to make sure she saw it, he just headed straight down to the pool and crossed his fingers while he waited.

The pool is located on a small square of land attached to the lower floor. There’s nothing above it but a glass ceiling, which, like everything else in the asylum now, is broken and crumbling. The frigid night air pours in through the blank panes and cascades down the twisted bits of rusty iron hanging down from where the frame snapped years ago, when a staff member jumped from somewhere high above to escape the fire and broke through the ceiling before landing with more than a few internal lacerations, more than a lot of external ones and a broken spine, into the pool.

Sollux rubs his arms, looking up at the busted ceiling. Hmm, he underestimated how cold it’s going to be tonight. Maybe he should’ve picked another spot to tell Karkat to meet him at.

The first few bits of snow that year start gently floating down from the sky and through the huge gaps in the ceiling then and Sollux keeps his face tilted heavenward to watch.

Karkat shows up when his hair is covered with a light dusting of snow, arms crossed and hands balled into fists within the sealed sleeves of her straitjacket. An eyebrow lifts infinitesimally when she sees him sitting there under the near bare ceiling getting snowed on when there is a perfectly opaque, solid roof plastered securely above everywhere else but the spot he’s chosen to sit on.

“You bought me out here, I’m assuming it’s important. Although knowing you, it’s probably reasonably retarded to.”

Sollux shrugs, silent before giving himself a mental shake. Completely disregarding how she might feel or say. She’s still Karkat you know.

“Everyone’s getting sick of you moping, so I’m intervening. Right now.”

A slow look of caution and curiosity begins dawning on Karkat’s face.

“I’m not moping.” She begins and Sollux cuts her off. “Really kk? are we really going to start with that horseshit?”

Karkat glares at him and when she speaks, the words are just a tad bit too harsh, as if she’s going for sarcasm but misses the mark completely, words coming out raw and bleeding with truth.

“Okay fine, I’m fucking sad, I’m _devastated_ because one of my bestfriends in the entire fucking world is fucking dead. Because wow, I have feelings! Not like that was as obvious as the stitches on your hideous face or anything. There, I admit it, you fucking happy now? Can we call this grief therapy session over?”

“You don’t talk to anyone for weeks and you expect your intervention to go down that easy because you have no problem whatsoever spewing bullshit? Haha, no.”

“It’s not something you can fix in a day you complete fucking idiot.” Karkat bites out and Sollux can so easily see her walls coming up in the way her shoulders are hunching up, hands unfurling to slide over and grip her elbows as if shielding herself from him.

Sollux wonders if this is what she sees when she’s the one in his position and he’s the one in hers, and if how it makes him feel now is always what she felt whenever he was the one on rock bottom and she’s the one climbing that hill that she never fails to trek with no complaint whenever she tries to pick him up. It makes him feel like he owes her this a thousand times over and makes him more sure that he’s going to do this whether she likes it or not.

“I know that dumbass. But fixing it obviously has to start somewhere.”

“Oh and you’re going to make that happen are you?” Karkat says with enough bite to almost be hostile.

Sollux schools his features and gets to his feet, pulling himself up to his full height and squaring his shoulders.

“Yeah.”

Karkat stares at him through narrowed eyes for the next little while. Her expression seems to declare that she's trying to find out what it is he's playing at. And Sollux is just a little bit offended by what that can possibly mean; that she's decided to shut him off so completely since Kanaya died that she's genuinely puzzled that he wants to make her feel better. He tries not to take it personally, after all, other than him, hell maybe even more than him, Karkat cared for Kanaya a lot.

"So you can either sit your ass down on that nice, dry patch of tile right over there or you can try to walk away and I can drag you back kicking and screaming until you projectile vomit your feelings at me. Your choice." Sollux says, pointing at spot on the ground just a few feet in front of Karkat.

Karkat just keeps staring at him in mildly irritated skepticism, her expression ever so slightly waning. Sollux holds her gaze challengingly until she releases a heavy sigh and slowly, hesitantly lowers herself to sit down on the cold, cracked tile.

"Alright, what the fuck now doctor Frankenstein?" she asks.

"To be honest, I didn't actually think I'd make it this far so I have no fucking clue."

That surprises a scoff out of Karkat that sounds suspiciously like a chuckle. Sollux smirks, so far so good. He walks over and lowers himself to sit on the ground as well, a foot or two in front of Karkat.

"You knew her better than I did but I'm still pretty sure Kanaya wouldn't want you to be moping around because of her."

"Yeah well she's dead so she can go fuck herself."

Karkat murmurs, purely without venom. She suddenly seemed to find the dirty, crumbling wall on the far right rather fascinating because she starts to stare at it like it holds the key to life's secrets in the form of a mural and if she stared at it hard enough, she'd be able to figure it out. Her eyes have also gone suspiciously shiny. Sollux doesn't point it out.

He shrugs, reaching out slowly, tentatively tugging at one of Karkat's sleeves. When she made no move to pull away or wave him off, Sollux pulls, setting her cloth enclosed hand on his knee and absently tracing the seams holding the sleeve shut. He follows the movement with his eyes, silently telling her that it's okay to cry now because he won't look.

"Fair enough. But still"

His words hang in the frigid air for several seconds before they get a simple, vague response in the form of a soft grunt from Karkat.

In the long silence that follows, Sollux gives himself a mental bop to the head and a pat to the back. Because even if it took a ridiculously short time for his therapy session to lose it's spark, at least Karkat hasn't pushed him away yet. And with that thought, he stops fidgeting with her sleeve and wraps his fingers around hers through the frayed, dirty cloth. He strokes a thumb over the back of her hand softly, featherlight, hoping that the coaxing touch can convince her to come out from behind the walls she's put up to shut everyone out.

"It wasn't an accident." Karkat murmurs eventually, so softly that Sollux isn't sure if she really said anything.

"What do you mean?" He asks, eyebrows furrowing as he lifts his eyes up to look her in the face.

Karkat took a deep breath and still without looking at him, said "Kanaya dying, it wasn't-...she didn't just get sick . Somebody did something...to her. She might've asked them to, it was planned, it wasn't anything else."

That takes Sollux by surprise and he titlts his head to the side. Of all the things Karkat could say. He frowns, eyebrows knotting even more.

"Why would you think that? Kk who would even do that?"

Karkat still doesn't so much as titlt her head in his direction and when her lips part to say something, no words come out. She bites her lip, looking like she's having trouble processing whatever it is she's thinking about and Sollux sighs, remembering something he picked up from the white coats who sat them down for hours on end, asking them questions. Psychologists were they called? He isn't sure if he picked it up from them or from one of the journals in the library that was possibly written by them but it doesn't matter. The thing they said about mental defense mechanisms that people do when they're dealing with something bad. Karkat was doing one of them now. She's trying to rationalize Kanaya's death. Which would be alright he supposes, if it makes it easier for her to accept but the tangent she seems to be on is potentially dangerous if she's left on it being Karkat.

Sollux sighs softly and gives her hand a squeeze. "You're just overthinking. Come on now KK, no one here would've _killed_ Kanaya, not even if she'd been in agony and she begged them to. She's just...gone. Probably even more than not wanting you to sit around mourning her for the rest of your life, she wouldn't want you to flip out and start hunting down her imaginary killer."

Karkat surprises him by suddenly tearing her hand away from his grip.

"You think I'm going crazy?"

"What? No, I'm just saying you're kind of being a little paranoid."

"No you know what, Fuck you! I don't even know why I thought I could trust you." Karkat hisses, each word bitten off and sharp. She gets to her feet jerkily, movements quick and forceful with anger. Alarmed, Sollux grabs one of her jacket sleeves and Karkat rips it out of his grasp, practically hard enough to hurt. "Don't fucking touch me!"

"Kk would you shut up and calm down?! I didn't mean- look, you can get angry all you want, get angry at ME if it makes you feel better but listen, Kanaya was my friend too, even if somebody _did_ kill her, she wouldn't want you to go around and start pointing fingers until you find them."

"STOP. fucking. talking about. her. like. you. KNOW. what she would want. Even if you did, I don't give a flying _fuck_ what she wants, _somebody_ here is responsible for the fact that she's fucking _dead_ and the _one_ person I thought I could talk to about it just thinks that I'm being unreasonable and delusional because I'm blinded by sorrow, you know what just fuck the shit off and go FUCK YOURSELF Sollux!" Karkat shakes her head, mouth twisted into an angry frown. "Good job dragging me all the way out here and pretending you give a shit about me, I'm just your-"

She stops there and Sollux feels his heart sink down to his feet. In that moment he's never wished so hard that he doesn't know her as well as he does, that he couldn't read exactly what she's thinking.

"Look, sorry I stopped being your fuckbuddy when an ACTUAL buddy of mine went and got fucking murdered okay?"

That...hurts even more than he thought it would. Karkat thinks he's been trying to make her feel better because her mourning is hindering their fucking sex life??? Sollux tries really hard to sever the intricate circuitry of his tortured psychological profile so that the automatic flood of bitter resentment that always comes with hurt doesnt start flooding his brain right now. He was here to fix things not make them worse by starting a fight. He tells himself that she doesn't actually think that lowly of him and that she's just hurt and he opens his mouth to try and do some damage control but Karkat cuts him off.

"Fact that I am NOT actually insane and there is ACTUALLY something some of you guys should know about aside, god fucking forgive me for being so righteously pissed that my bestfriend is dead, because you know, it's not like she's the only person that gave two shits about me in this hell hole and its not like I love her more than anyone here."

Oh.

Fucking oh. oops. that's it, connection is back the fuck online and resentment is flooding Sollux's system so fast, he can practically feel his vision blur with it.

He just stares at Karkat rigidly for the longest, most charged silence they've ever shared and in the seconds his eyes bore into hers, she seems to realize exactly what it is she said to him. When the first inkling of guilt manifests in face, he strikes.

"Wow, that is one hell of a sucker punch in the face for someone who nearly had a fucking heart attack and who scratched and bit and screamed like a fucking animal at the nurses who tried to take him away while you were soaking in a tub of your own blood and possibly about to die." He comments, just barely managing to keep his voice from shaking. Sollux bites his lips til they were white and when the hot sting of tears prickle at the backs of his eyes, he turns around and begins to walk away.

"Wait." Karkat calls out. Sollux just ignores her. She tries again and again, he ignores her. When he's skirting around the side of the pool to get to the other wide where the doors leading back indoors are, he hears Karkat run up behind him and flinches when she grabs his arm.

"I said wait"

"Fuck off KK. I don't care about you and you don't care about me so why the fuck are we still standing here pretending like we give a shit about each other?"

"I didn't mean it like that"

"Yes you fucking did."

"I'm sorry,-"

"That's nice."

"Will you just stop walking and listen to me?!"

"Why? You've made it perfectly clear that you think I'm a fucking bastard who clearly didn't ever mean every single word or gesture of friendship I've ever regurgitated at you because I actually thought you were a halfway decent human being before just now. I am well aware, now why don't YOU fuck off and go fuck YOURSELF kk?"

Sollux says without so much as a glance over his shoulder at Karkat who just keeps trying to slow him down. He gets about five more steps after his little spiel before he hears her make a frustrated growl and before Sollux knows it, there are arms around his waist and he's being forcibly hauled sideways. He swears loudly, voice echoing throughout the empty pool area followed by a big 'SPLASH'

He doesn't know which way is up, if there even is an up, everything is dark and awful and there is way too much disgusting water in his nose and throat. Sollux flails around as if batting all those bad things away and he breaks the surface, spluttering and gasping.

"Aughhh! Fucking gross!" He yells, spitting venemously, once, twice. His hands find his face and Sollux scrubs at it near violently as if he could just rub all the nasty pool water off with his water covered hands. It doesn't take him long to realize the futility of the gesture and when he does, he glares up at a now quiet, blank faced Karkat, mouth twisting into a deep scowl when he sees traces of amusment she's desperately trying to keep from showing up in her expression. "What the actual FUCK kk?!"

Karkat shrugs. "What? you weren't listening so I took matters into my own hands. Sorry."

"Oh you WILL be. In case you haven't noticed, I am a walking stick and you are MORE than capable of just grabbing my arm and stopping any movement I happen to be making, you don't have to shove me in a fucking pool filled with GROSS scum water, what are you, fucking TWO?!"

Karkat rolls her eyes and without saying a word, crouches down right at the edge of the pool, holding out a hand for him to take. Sollux grabs it, narrows his eyes and grabs her wrist with his other hand before tugging with all his might and sending Karkat sprawling face first into the dark, dank pool.

Karkat breaks the surface much like he did and Sollux braces himself for some hitting and a whole lot of yelling but instead of either, Karkat just splashes some water at him and makes disgusted noises. "Aughh, this is fucking disgusting ewww!!"

"Yeah. I know." Sollux deadpans, using both hands to scoop some water up and throw it at her face.

Karkat flinches and makes some more immature, whiny noises and moves to splash him back but stops herself just in time.

"Okay fine, I deserved that."

"You kind of did."

Karkat goes quiet and the two of them stand there awkwardly for a few seconds before Karkat musters the courage to say something.

"I really didn't mean what I...I didn't mean that. I did, I do love Kanaya but I..." She trails off, looking Sollux dead in the eye while her breath catches in her throat and Sollux starts to hurt again but in a completely different way than he did earlier.

His breathing takes a significant pause too, waiting, wodering if she'll say what he thinks she would, what he _wants_ her to.

She doesn't. Instead, Karkat just wades through the water, a few steps until she was standing right under his chin. She hesitates for just a second before her arms come up around him. He feels her go up on her toes to properly wrap them around his neck and Sollux sighs, long and deep before bending down the few inches he needs to be able to wrap his arms around her waist. They stay that way for a little while, until Karkat's arms tighten just a bit more around Sollux and her hand finds its way to the back of his head, pushing down gently, encouraging him to rest his cheek snugly against the crook of her neck. Sollux does and he feels Karkat sigh against him.

"You're still an asshole." Sollux murmurs softly.

"No shit sherlock, are you smart enough to tell me something I don't know? Maybe they should have given you an extra brain and not an extra heart."

Sollux smiles a tiny but genuine smile and squeezes her waist, relishing in the soft, solid familiarity of it.

Karkat begins to pull back and he does too. She doesn't take a single step away from him once they separate though so Sollux does, to be able to look at her properly. Karkat blinks at him, the look on her face making it near impossible not to forgive her. It doesn't quite work but when her hand rises up to lay against his neck, Sollux's resolve shakes and when she tugs him down to her and he sees her eyes close and her lips part, he lets it completely shatter in favor of kissing the careless, perfectly imperfect mess of a girl standing in front of him.

They stand there in the cold, dark water, reconciling through kisses, every brush of lips a whispered sorry simultaneously met with answering i forgive yous. When they eventually part, there is a silent air of mutual agreement that things are okay for the time being and Sollux reinforces it by resting his forehead against Karkat's.

"I am fucking freezing and it is all your fault." She murmurs.

Sollux laughs. "Uhh its not actually, its yours dipshit."

"Fuck you." Karkat mutters, purely without bite.

"Why am I standing in an abandoned pool in the dead of night when its fucking below zero outside?" she asks, breaking away from Sollux just enough to look up at the busted roof. A few tiny specks of snow land on her face when she does and Karkat squints, nose wrinkling. "I know why, you is why, you're the one who dragged me out here so this is YOUR fault ass face."

Sollux laughs again, louder this time, shaking his head and bopping Karkat lightly on the head. "Kk you are so fucking weird."

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
They argue and splash around some more in the water like the immature shits that they are before they both realize that they're freezing and gross and they haul themselves out of the pool and the much drier, marginally cleaner haven indoors. They run into Aradia as they walk the silent corridors, complaining loudly about how nasty they smell. Aradia, bless her heart, wholeheartedly agrees to help themget clean and that is how Karkat finds herself a handful of minutes later, in one of the ancient, very seldom used bathrooms, standing off to the side and watching with a slight air of fascination as Aradia uses her abilities to wind time back around the huge, cracked, tile bathtub like rewinding a tape, breaking down the present around it and replacing it with the past, to a time when hot, clean water was running through the pipes and filling up the tub.

Out of everyone in the Asylum, Aradia, Karkat would argue, is without a doubt probably the most "powerful" however, bending reality doesn't come without a price, she thinks as she watches Aradia's face intently. The tub is almost full now, so Aradia's been sustaining the impartial reversal of time for about ten minutes. Her eyebrows are drawn so tight, that the prominent knot of muscle on her forehead looks like it might burst through her skin, the corners of her mouth are pointing down in a deep frown. Karkat knows that manipulating time takes a lot out of her, the longer and the more intricate the task, the more exhausted she gets. She remembers a time near the beginning, when Aradia and Dave stepped up to do everything they can to make the asylum inhabitable again. Aradia was running around, manipulating time left and right for what felt like days and at the end of it, she passed out and went into a coma for a few weeks.

She'd been in such bad shape that if Karkat hadn't taken a risk and donated a bit of her blood in place of what needed to go into an IV drip when someone is in a coma, she doubted Aradia would've ever woken up at all.

"Alright, that should do it."  
  
Aradia says, slapping her palms together in an attempt to get rid of imaginary dust. She turns to them with an apologetic smile, looking a little pale. "Sorry I couldn't just zap the two of you back to how you were before you fell into the water, you know how it gets." She says, frowning a little. And they do know. Aradia was probably "made" as the prototype to Karkat, there were a few patients, more than a few really, who were subjected to Aradia's powers, to see if she can make them immortal by reversing their age, by seconds, months, years, decades. At the end of the experiment, ALL who were involved sustained permanent damage either mentally or physically and after a traumatic experience she refused to tell of, Aradia vowed to never use her abilities on a living person again.

"Yeah. Thanks AA." Sollux says, dipping a hand into the water to gauge how warm it is. Aradia beams at him. "No problem! You guys wash up and I'll see what I can do about your clothes."

"No YOU, go lie down or something and take a breather before you pass out." Karkat interjects, looking at Aradia a bit skeptically. "You've used up your freaky, timey-wimey bullshit with this. Go drink some water, if we dont have any left, get Dave to travel back a couple of months and steal some for you, ditto for food, then take a nap for an hour, at least."

"But," Aradia begins but immediately trails off when she sees the look on Karkat's face. "...Okay, I'll go drink something and sit down for a while and THEN I'll get to fixing up your clothes so that they're nice, dry and not smelling like decades old dirty pool water when you get out of the bath, sound good?"

"Hmph. Good enough, now get. Ughh, thanks again." Karkat says, shoo-ing Aradia away with a small wave of her fingers.

Aradia grins at her, making pistols out of her fingers and pointing them at Karkat before folding her thumbs and winking while making a clicking noise. "You're welcome." and with that, she walks out of the bathroom, whistling softly to herself as she went.

Karkat watches her go, shaking her head minutely after she was out of sight. "That girl is so frikking weird."

She hears Sollux chuckle behind her. "Which means she fits in just fine with the rest of us."

Karkat snorts. "True." She turns around to face him and just stands there, staring at Sollux sitting on the edge of the now considerably shiny, fully intact porcelain of the bath tub, peeling off his soaked shirt. She doesn't say anything and keeps absolutely still even as Sollux disrobes completely and lowers himself down to sit in the steaming water.

"Hello? KK what are you doing, I know we rarely do it around here because it's so much trouble to get water but you know, when you take a bath, you're supposed to take your shit off and actually come into contact with the water."

Karkat glares at him, jaw locked tight. She reaches up as if to grab her elbows before realizing that she's about to betray herself with a nervous gesture so she reaches up for the top buckle of her straitjacket instead, grabbing it with a bit more force than necessary. Sollux frowns.

"Yeah, okay, hold your horses asswipe. " She says before muttering something about how stupid John and Dave are for managing to destroy the showers beyond repair as she undoes her straitjacket with stiff, jerky movements. Karkat pauses a little after she gets it completely open and Sollux raises his eyebrows. "Any day now, or at least before the water turns cold KK."

"Would you shut up for just a second? jesus fucking christ, give me a minute. I mean, it's not like the last bathtub I was in was overflowing with my blood or anything." She says, voice trailing off to a mere murmur.

Oh fuck, shit, right. Sollux wants to hit himself for forgetting and almost offers to let Karkat hit him but one look at Karkat's face lets him know that that isn't what she needs right now. She's holding the open sides of her straitjacket with clenched fists and staring at the tub like it's an untrained dog that can attack her if she so much as looks at it wrong. She's _afraid_ and its making Sollux's chest feel like there's something slowly melting in it.

"Hey," he says softly, lifting an arm out to offer a hand to her. "It's okay, come here."

Karkat stays silent but takes a few, stiff, mechanical steps forward and reaches for his hand anyway. Sollux pulls her even closer, til her knees were pressed against the side of the tub and gently grabs one side of her straitjacket, looking up to her for permission. Karkat takes a breath and slides one side of her shoulder, encouraging Sollux to help her get rid of the jacket completely. She takes off the rest of her clothes with no help from him and once she's standing there, completely exposed, he reaches for her other hand and squeezes gently.

"It's okay KK."

"Shut up, stop patronizing me asshole, I can get into a goddamn bathtub without having a panic attack, I'm not THAT much of an incompetent fuckwit."

"Really? Because I don't see any Karkat getting into this tub i am sitting in right now."

Despite his teasing, his hands kept their hold on Karkat's gentle but firm and he lets go of one to support her with a hand on her side as she flips him off half heartedly and slowly gets into the water. Karkat's expression implies that she thinks an electric current would come out of nowhere any second now and shock her to death as she lowers herself to sit on the smooth, flat porcelain, submerged up to just beneath her chest in clean, steaming hot water and Sollux frowns, eyebrows furrowingin concern. "You okay there you totally competent force of toughness?"

"Fuck you." Karkat says, eyes darting everywhere and breathing just a little bit off.

They sit there for a while in awkward silence, Sollux watching Karkat intently for signs of a panic attack and Karkat waiting for something to suddenly go horribly wrong even when she knows nothing would. Eventually, her breathing begins to get faster, heavier and Sollux tightens his hold on her hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb. "Kk, seriously, are you alright?"

He sees her shiver a little and she shakes her head no. "Nope."

Sollux thinks for a few seconds and lets go of her hand to lift his arms, holding them wide open. "Come here." he says softly, grabbing her forearms when she starts to obey. "Turn your back to me." he commands, adjusting himself to let her sit between his legs. His hands move up to her upper arms once she's settled and he pulls her back to him, so that her back was pressed against his chest.

"Better?" Sollux asks. The water ripples a bit as his arms slide up to wrap themselves around her and Karkat sighs, leaning back fully against him, her head tucked safely under his chin.

"A little."

Sollux presses his lips to the back of her head, ignoring the smell of pool slew still stubbornly clinging to her hair and allows himself to be the Sollux that he only ever is around her. "You're okay." he murmurs, kissing her scalp once, twice. "You're okay."

Karkat sighs deeply, eyes closing. She concentrates hard on Sollux's arms around her, the comforting and familiar, uneven, bumpy feel of his skin and forces the memories of slowly dying out of her mind, replacing them with the ones of getting saved, by the very arms that are around her right now. She lets herself think very briefly of that one horrifying moment, when she was sitting there with the faucet still on, pumping the tub full of water hot enough to force every ounce of blood he has in her veins to ooze out of the gouges she'd inflicted on her skin, the knife she'd smuggled in from the kitchen perched precariously on the edge of the tub, dark with the deep red hue of blood, her blood. Karkat recalls the horrifying moment when she realized she was getting extremely dizzy and heavy eyed and everything HURT and she was. not. regenerating. She didn't scream for help, in the moment when she swore she was about to die and realized she didn't want to, she screamed Sollux's name.

She screamed for what felt like hours for him, fighting desperately to stay conscious. She was shaking so hard she couldn't even haul herself out of the tub and every second that he wasn't there, felt like death already. She died, over and over, waiting for him to come save her.

And he _did_. She didn't know how he heard her but he did and he came and he saved her. Karkat focuses really, really hard on the memory of getting hauled out of the tub and being folded in Sollux's arms almost exactly like this. She ignores the memory of his screams for help, the way his voice shook with fear as he swore and swore and swore, all the while clutching her to him as he sat there on the blood painted floor. _KK you are not leaving me you hear me?! you're not you crazy motherfucker. stay awake! You're okay. you're okay._

She focuses on the memory of the fragile thread of safety she felt in his arms, that she clung to with all her might and Karkat sighs again, taking a deep, deep breath before cupping some water in her hands and splashing it on her face. She repeats the process a few times, scrubbing at everything she can reach above the water. Sollux doesn't speak and neither does she, even when she grabs his hands, pries them away from her but does not let go as she slides forward and dunks herself under to be able to wash off the stink in her hair.

They stay quite for a while, scrubbing at themselves with some old, stale hospital soap and rinsing themselves off. After they've washed all the suds off and are smelling mostly clean, they just sit there. Karkat somehow still has her back to Sollux and she splashes a bit of the now cooler water around with her fingers, staring at the ripples.

"Thank you."

Sollux doesn't ask for what and for a second, there is a small part of Karkat that wants him to, so she can tell him _for saving my life, for being here right now...just for being_. But Sollux just leans forward and kisses the back of her neck and says "You're welcome." and Karkat is completely fine with that, because it means that everything is completely forgiven now and they're back to being them.

For once she doesn't ask him if they're still friends like she did almost without fail after every single time they had a fight. This time she doesn't feel the need to because now she actually _knows_. and it makes Karkat feel things she would never admit to outloud.

Which is why as they stand there, damp and naked, looking at their clothes as if just staring hard enough would make them dry and clean enough to wear, Karkat doesn't say a word as she takes Sollux's hand in hers.

"Do you think AA is coming back anytime soon?"

"Who even knows. Is she still doing that weird thing when she opens up time loops by accident and gets sucked into it? She could be anywhere between last week and last year for all we know. Or she fell asleep, she looked pretty wiped."

Sollux tuts and reaches up to scratch his head. Karkat likes that he used his other hand to do it and curls his fingers around hers a bit tighter. "Wellp, you're always the one yelling at us to do stuff, I'm assuming you have a plan." He says, turning to a bit so he can face her.

"Embarassingly enough, even when I am the most competent person here, which is just plain sad mind you, I'm drawing a blank. We might as well just sleep here and hope Aradia comes and makes our clothes not smell like rancid shit tomorrow after they're dry."

Sollux makes a face, shrugs to himself and says. "Ah what the hell, sure. I'm getting a bit sleepy anyway."

"Fucking seriously?" Karkat asks as he lets go of her hand to go over to the big closet next to the wall. Sollux starts taking down everything on its shelves, blankets, pillow cases, towels and dumping it all on the floor in a pile. "You can wrap yourself up in a towel and parade around like that if you want, I'm taking a nap."

Karkat watches him with an eyebrow raised as Sollux gets down on top of the pile he made and starts rearranging things to his liking. She moves her gaze to the door for a few seconds, waiting to see if Aradia would come back after all. When it remains closed and no shadows peeked out from beneath or around it, she sighs and looks back at Sollux who is now half lying on his makeshift bed and getting comfortable.

"What the fuck." She mutters to herself before walking over and kneeling beside the mess of blankets and other miscallaneous things on the floor. "Move over." Karkat says, prodding Sollux on the ribs. He twitches in an exaggerated way as if she poked him directly in the lung and becomes all Sollux about sharing his space. They squabble a little bit and by the end of it, Karkat has manages to worm her way unto the makeshit bed. Sollux is lying half on top of her, out of spite that he couldn't keep her out and she's taking up most of the space and Karkat just lets him because its not like he weighed a whole lot anyway.

"You are a stupid little fuck you know that?" Karkat asks.

Sollux blows a rasperry into her cheek and Karkat knocks his head away with hers. "Ughh eww!"

"Yes I'm well aware, you've told me that already today KK"

That makes Karkat pause, a whisper saying _FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH_ sliding over the forefront of her mind.

"I'm really sorry...about what I said."  
  
Sollux sighs, adjusting himself so that he was lying completely on top of her. He props himself up with one hand on either side of her head and looks her straight in the eye as he says. "I know KK." Then he lowers himself down til his chin was tucked into the crook of her neck, one forearm draped over her head, the hand grabbing her hair gently. "I know."

Karkat closes her eyes with a soft sigh and lets him hug her for just another moment before pushing him away gently. She takes hold of his face with both hands, tracing some of the stitches with her thumb and pulls him down for a kiss. He kisses her back in a way that makes her feel  simultaneously relieved and more guilty. When he moves so that he was half kneeling over her so that he can grab her face too, Karkat's pulse races and her chest aches and she sees that she was WRONG, so wrong, that he DOES care about her and not just because of this.

She slips her tongue between his lips and sighs when he returns the gesture. They explore the familiar, wet heat of each other's mouths for a little while until Karkat feels something hot and hard against her thigh. Karkat laughs breathily into Sollux's mouth. "You know, sometimes I still get surprised that that thing actually WORKS how its supposed to."

"Really? REALLY kk? YOU're surprised. You know sometimes I actually think you're a perfectly intelligent human being but SERIOUSLY. You know i actually don't think you have the right to be insulting my junk when its been-"

Sollux's next words get muffled when Karkat yanks him down for another kiss. "Will you shut up? I would think that YOU would know that when your surprisingly functional dick is hard, you have better things to do."

"We just took a bath KK, "doing better things" is going to throw away all the work AA put into making us clean. Wait...what the fuck did I just say? Did i just turn myself off? Fuck I think I did."

Karkat couldn't help it. First a chuckle gets caught in her throat, then she was laughing, great big belly laughs. "Are you fucking kidding me right now???"

Sollux glares at her, rolling off and flopping down beside her with his arms crossed defensively. "Excuse me if I dont get turned on by the prospect of explaining to AA why I need her to run me a bath AGAIN. It'll be worse than they day she found out we were fucking okay? You don't even KNOW. so shut the fuck up."

Karkat just continues laughing, eyes clenching shut and doubling a bit over. By the time her laughter fades to soft giggles, she opens her eyes, expecting to see Sollux glaring at her dourly but instead what she finds is Sollux looking at her with a calm, mildly curious expression.

"What?"

Sollux shrugs. "I'm just glad to know that getting thrown into the pool wasn't for nothing. Kanaya would be happy to know you could still laugh."

That causes Karkat's mirth to fade completely and she turns to lie on her back, staring at the ceiling blankly.

"Who did you mean when you said someobody killed her?" Sollux asks after a few seconds of silence.

"I thought you didn't believe me."

"I got chucked into a pool of vileness and shit, I dont think someone who was lying would have done that to me."

Karkat scoffs out a laugh and sighs quietly, dark brown eyes roaming around the ceiling as if looking for something.

"When I tried to kill myself, and almost did it...it wasn't just because I tried that much harder. Somebody helped me."

Sollux frowns. "Who?"

Karkat clenches her eyes shut as unwanted memories of skeletal fingers and long dark hair assaults her mind. She shudders when she thinks of those things coming into contact with Kanaya, of that wide, sharp grin glaring her down mockingly as it drained her life.

"I'll tell you in the morning, I'm tired."

"What? KK I do actually believe you and you're starting to scare me, tell me." Sollux says, propping himself up on one arm.

Karkat turns on her side to face him. "I can be wrong though."

"What if you're not and someone else dies?"

"That won't happen." Karkat says, averting her eyes. "Not unless someone wants to. Look, can we just- I really don't want to talk about it, not right now. I thought I could but. I promise I will."

She doesn't look at Sollux so she couldn't know for sure but Karkat thinks she can read the suspicion and worry clearly enough in his silence anyway.

Eventually, Sollux sighs heavily through his nose and settles down beside her, close enough to touch. Karkat reaches over and drapes an arm over his waist.

"Tomorrow." is all Sollux says. Karkat doesn't answer him, just waits until he closes his eyes and slowly raises her gaze to one of the vents high up on the wall near the ceiling, hoping for the first time since she realized the possibility, that she's wrong.


End file.
